You’re Not Ready for a New Relationship

So you feel the glorifying thought of moving on when your FB stats get raves of congratulatory reviews and countless likes. But as soon as the last flicker of LED light in your laptop goes dark, the euphoria changes to something raw, unmasked and heavy: breakups are painful.

The pain gets stronger when the audience has left, and the mind dwells on it like an intimate Oprah interview. Nothing wrong with it, really.

After all, you don’t wanna lose more people should you decide to go an extra mile of showing how you truly feel.

So we deal with it, keeping the blood and the carcass of the battle in the back door. Here’s a sad reality: people don’t really give a damn if you’re happy, they just don’t wanna take part in the negativity, should it extend.

We have lived this life thinking it’s the person and not the relationship, so we instinctively look for a replacement. But take heed of these five signs, before you decide a new one should help you move on.

You still have the same issues
Petty as it seems, but stuff like being late, having a bad breath, or being very critical of things contribute big to failing relationships.

If you still don’t plan on addressing them after a breakup, there’s a big risk of a recurrence next time.

These stuff are called basics and fundamentally most of us view them as ‘problems’ no matter who the person is.

No one is perfect, yes, but resistance to change for if-you-can’t-handle-me-at-my-worst-then-hell-you-don’t-deserve-me-at-my-best arrogance’s sake, then you'd never make the next relationship work.

This is not a fix, it’s your owing yourself a chance to enjoy better relationships next time.

You still feel the pain
Remember when Wolverine told Cyclops (X-Men: The Last Stand) that Jean Grey is gone and he needs to move on and Cyclops replied, ‘Not everyone heals as fast as you do.’

All unfortunate events have their grieving period. Breakups are one of them, and they sting. May it be 2 days, 2 months, or a year, if the pain is growing in strength, then you will be unfair to the new relationship.

You may say, ‘Of course there’s always pain, you Wolverine wannabe.’

Yes, but if it’s rooted in the regrets of your giving it your all or your feeling robbed, you’re setting yourself to an even greater pain, because when this ‘new’ relationship ends eventually, disappointment will join in the fun.

What to do?

Use the pain to fuel you to do positive things. If you have resources, organize a feeding program or start a donation drive. There’s always an organization to help you over, and they will be more than willing to organize it for you.

Helping others lessen their pain will neutralize your own.

If you find these suggestions tedious, follow groups in FaceBook you share the same passion with (say Literacy for Poor Children, Justice for Animals, Refugee Funding, etc.) and help them spread their cause’s message by utilizing your voice in social media.

Got no social media accounts? (Which cave have you been?) Adopt an abandoned pet. The results will be amazing for both of you. With every success and failure of imparting yourself to these avenues you sow a stronger you.

The pain will become a distant memory whose impact will dim in time.

You don’t thrive being single
When you keep losing friends after the breakup and is causing unnecessary family drama on dinners and reunions, then chances of your new relationship lasting up to 24 hours is as slim as Kim Kardashian winning a Grammy.

It’s imperative that you become self-aware of your, well, self? Only then you will have a sense of how people see you and react to your presence.

This is not to please them.

This is your accepting your imperfections and being aware of them. With acceptance comes opening to changes that will make your life and relationships better.

You deserve to have great friends, to be respected in the family, to be viewed as someone sensitive of other’s needs and feelings. It’s easier said than done ONLY if you think you don’t deserve it.

You see your Ex every time there’s a prospect
There’s this term people use for those who crave new relationships but couldn’t get over with the past: Rebounds.

Maybe the new one reminds them of their Ex’s wit, looks or traits. Needless to say, the new relationship suffers when the new one couldn’t live up to the preconceived model you have associated them of with your Ex.

It ain’t gonna happen.

They may share the same mannerisms or favorite underwear brand but the other person will remain as the other person. It’s like going to a new store looking for the same item the previous store sells.

While totally erasing the previous one’s existence in your mind (and heart) is impossible, if you water it with longing and reminisces, it will hold on to you like that pimple on your back.

What you need is a mind detox.

Memories are only strong when they’re in your vicinity. Delete every text message, Instagram pic and even your playlists in Spotify. Annihilate them all. 

Also, avoid the places your previous relationship has had strong memories with.

If you’re hesitant doing these, then you are not ready to help yourself, and your new relationship, for you haven’t moved on, and still fantasizing of a reunion.

You haven’t forgiven yourself
It bloody sucks that you weren’t good enough for that person, that it didn’t work out, that you keep beating yourself to find answers. You may grieve for a while, but you must find ways to make it shorter.

Your friends and family also deserve your time, and to hear your laughter again, even when it sounded like mating horses.

Again, it’s easier said than done. But the natural transition of life is going in that direction anyway: you will have to move on sooner or later. The question you should be asking is why make it later?

To sum it all, here’s a quote for you:

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.

In a nutshell, real moving on is freeing yourself, and the people around you, of the negative baggage your previous gamble has caused you.
Writing this is quite painful. I just had my own meltdown last year and while there’s still pain, I’m grateful to the experience.